CHARACTERS: Harry, Draco, others in supporting roles.
SUMMARY: Harry and Draco fight crime, oblivious to what others think of their close relationship. This is probably AU. Or crack!fic. Or something. Oh God, I'm going to hell.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This will probably make more sense if you're familiar with Saturday Night Live's "Ambiguously Gay Duo." 1100 words.
DISCLAIMER: JK Rowling and her designated representatives own all rights to these characters. I am only using them for my nefarious purposes.
The Debatably Heterosexual Twosome
It was a perfect afternoon for a plot, thought Voldemort. He was looking out the window in the Riddle dining room, which he'd converted to an audience chamber, since he always ate in the kitchen. The sun was just starting to think about beginning to drift lazily towards the horizon; there was a slight breeze in the trees, bringing with it—he could just smell it—the faint aroma of lilacs.
Suddenly Voldemort was aware of several pairs of eyes watching him sniff the window. He turned to face his assembled Death Eaters.
"Minions!" he snapped. They jumped. "The time has come for us to put Operation Anthill into action." He watched with satisfaction as a few of the masked figures exchanged worried glances.
He chuckled—no, he cackled. "Let's just see if the Debatably Heterosexual Twosome can stop us now!"
"God, I hate that name," said someone—Lucius, if Voldemort was any judge. "Is it really that debatable?"
Another man answered him. "No, those two are so far out of the closet, they'd need a Tracking Charm to find their way back."
"I don't know," a woman's voice said. That would be Bellatrix. "Just because they're two men who live together and fight crime while wearing tight spandex costumes doesn't mean they're gay."
A few snorts were heard around the room. Bella whipped her head around to see who dared oppose her, but no one said anything.
"Be that as it may," Voldemort said. "The time has come for Operation Anthill!" He cackled again, and this time his minions joined in.
Hermione was going through paperwork when the call came in. "Not again," she sighed.
"Trouble in paradise?" Snape asked, swooping into her office.
"I'm glad you're here," Hermione said. "I need you to call Harry and Draco and get them out to—" she checked the parchment—"Victoria Park, East Hadfield, right away."
Snape frowned. "Why do I have to be the one to call them?"
"You're Head Auror," Hermione pointed out. "And besides, the last time I called, I think I might have embarrassed Draco."
"Not likely," Snape snorted. "If you think a ponce like Draco is embarrassed to be seen without his shirt on—"
"We don't know they're gay!" Hermione said, blushing. "They might not be. It's okay if they are, but we don't know for sure."
Snape rolled his eyes. "Whatever," he said, and took a pinch of Hermione's Floo powder.
A moment later, Draco's head appeared in the fireplace. Hermione couldn't help but notice the fine sheen of sweat glistening on his forehead. And was he actually panting?
"Severus," Draco said in surprise. "What's up?"
"I hope I'm not interrupting anything," Snape started.
Just then, Harry's voice could be heard from somewhere behind Draco. "Who is it, Draco? You need to come back here and finish your leg raises."
Hermione blushed. Snape lifted an eyebrow.
Draco shrugged. "Nothing big," he said to Snape. "I was just lifting some weights."
"Fine," Snape said. "There's trouble in Hadfield—"
Harry's head popped into view, squeezed rather closer to Draco than was necessary, Hermione felt.
"Trouble?" Harry said. "We'll be right there!" They both disappeared from the fireplace.
Hermione sighed again and waved her wand, lifting the anti-Apparition wards long enough for them to come in.
With a loud pop, Harry and Draco came into view—with Draco's legs wrapped around Harry's waist, and Harry grasping the blond man's buttocks firmly to hold him up.
Hermione and Snape stared.
Draco hopped down lightly. "Thanks, Harry! I really appreciate you letting me side-along." Draco's skin-tight outfit had a large "D" emblazoned across his chest. Harry's costume had a matching "H."
"No trouble, Draco," Harry said, and patted Draco's rear end.
Snape turned to Hermione and smirked. "You see?"
"See what?" asked Harry.
"Nothing!" Hermione said hastily. "Now, it looks like Death Eaters are making trouble in Victoria Park, so if you two could go and foil their plot, it would be great."
"Oh, we'll take care of it, Hermione!" Draco said enthusiastically. "We'll pound them good!" He jumped into Harry's arms, legs once again going around the other man's waist.
"Er, right," Hermione said weakly. "Off you go then."
They disappeared. Snape smirked. "Debatably heterosexual, my arse."
Voldemort's plan was working perfectly. Well, almost perfectly. He was sitting on top of a large, fluffy blanket, basking in the afternoon sun. The only thing that would have made it better was if his minions would quit squabbling.
"Bellatrix, you can't hog all of those little sandwiches."
"Hey, Amycus got his with the crusts cut off!"
"Can you pass the—hey!"
A brief tussle broke out. Voldemort closed his eyes. "Lucius," he said. "Go steal more of the little sandwiches so Bella doesn't have to share."
"Yes, my Lord."
Voldemort sighed. Maybe this hadn't been a good idea. There hadn't been any sign of—
"Look!" one of minions said suddenly. "There they are!"
Voldemort snapped to attention. Sure enough, two muscled figures in tight spandex were running across the park towards his little group. Voldemort stood up, motioning to his minions. He thought he saw Bella nick two sandwiches from someone else.
"Hold it right there!" Harry shouted.
"Or else what?" Voldemort sneered.
"Or we'll have to use force," Draco said.
"A lot of force," Harry added. There were some titters from the Death Eaters.
Harry turned to Draco. "Now, grasp your wand firmly, Draco, in case we need to get physical."
Voldemort couldn’t help snickering at that himself. Harry frowned at him. "What?"
"Nothing!" Voldemort said. "Now, I think the time has come to dispose of you and go on with my picnic. Minions, attack!"
The assembled Death Eaters sprang into action, but the Debatably Heterosexual Twosome were ready.
"Assume the position!" Harry said, and threw himself down on the ground, arms outstretched and wand held tight. Draco straddled him and pointed his wand at the oncoming Death eaters. His body shifted back and forth on top of Harry, and with each forward motion, a bolt of white light came streaking out of Draco's wand, taking down the enemy one at a time.
"Yes, yes!" Harry cried.
"I think I'm going to be sick," Lucius said.
Voldemort forced himself to look away from the Twosome. "All right," he called out. "Minions, retreat! Mulciber, you're in charge of casualties." The black-robed figures began to Disapparate, dragging fallen comrades as they went.
Draco stood up and helped Harry to his feet. "Looks like we showed them!" he said.
Harry chuckled and fondled Draco's bum. "Good work, Draco." Just then he noticed Voldemort staring at them. "What are you looking at?"
"Nothing!" Voldemort said, and Disapparated.